How To: Kill the Ever-Living Hell Out of Fruit, Laugh Maniacally

Breville 800JEXL Juice Fountain Elite 1000-Watt Juice Extractor

Have you ever want to….let’s say… DESTROY all the fruit in existence? Like, Hitler-style kill? Have you ever wanted to be the anti-fruit dictator who then sucks down the remains of your victims?

Then follow our steps! This is something the whole family can enjoy!

1. Gather your victims. If you have the budget of a small country, you can at least buy up all the fruit at your local grocer. If you have a high credit limit, maybe all the fruit on amazon.

2. Get yourself a few of these death machines.

3. Get a barrel. Evil Dictators always keep remains in barrels.

4. Practice your Maniacal Laugh.

BONUS STEP: Film everything and upload to Youtube. Make sure you have the laugh down before you do this. It’s VERY IMPORTANT.

If all goes well, we should be rid of all the fruit on the planet before the end of the year! Isn’t that awesome?

How To: Create the Flying Lobster Demons in Your Dreams

flyinglobsterdemon

So in my dream last night, a horde of Flying Lobster Demons destroyed the world. Let’s make that happen! Here’s how you can do it with our favorite site, amazon!

Ingredients:

Lobsters. Lots of them.

Red Bull. Lots of it.

Hot Sauce. Must be at least 100,000 scovilles.

Some kind of mutant radioactive yellow cake.

Luck.

As for what to do after that, we have no idea. We’re hoping you can figure that out. Have fun destroying the world!